Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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