first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
