Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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