I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
What a dumb baby whore.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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