All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
