I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Cover your peen. We're going out.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
