Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
