You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
