one word: firstdatebathroomanal
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
