Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
