I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
