You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
