I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
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So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
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Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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