i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
