Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
