you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
