That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
