come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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