he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
