i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
