I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
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