I can't watch pbs sober anymore
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
