Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
