dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
