Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
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Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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