Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He shit in the fireplace
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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