Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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