Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
