last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Randomize
