sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
