His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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