I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
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