I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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