Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
