so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Boobs speak an international language.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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