Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
