i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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