my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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