shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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