apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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