im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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