Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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