Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Enjoy the penises
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
