My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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