There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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