Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
