Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
