Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
