so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
