Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
