Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
PS: I just woke up from my shower
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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