i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Dicks are not precious.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
