SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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