If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
