why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
