Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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