I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Randomize
