so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize