Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
