I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
