Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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