woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
