I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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